Schwindelig

Or, dizzy. Which is how I feel. We went to the bank to talk about buying this house and we are not even sure if we want this one. And new jobs are starting and Nic is turning 40, and my sister is getting married, and there is a whole list of things running around in my head and I am frankly, dizzy. And have no appetite, so there will be no foodie posts for the next little while.

What is interesting to me is to think about what a person needs and what for and why. How much land does a person need? Is it important to have one's own land or can one rent it long term with first right of refusal in case the owner decides to sell. And what about a garden? For food? For flowers? For healing herbs? What about a community healing herb garden? But where?

I have the longing for my/our own land and house and the opportunity to grow roots that flower through art, bodywork and healing arts practices, tai chi and chi gong, cooking and being a foodie, gardens of food and healing herbs, a place for gathering, a place to offer performances, maybe, or have musical gatherings and food gatherings, a place to have contact with the natural, unhuman, wild (as wild as possible in western europe outside of the Alps) world, for others to go out into the green and experience Hildegard's Viriditas. And I am fully aware of the sickness of owning things, of consumption and greed in which I was raised. The United States being the prime explosively grand example of humanity's three downfalls, or as the Buddha said, Three Poisons, Greed, Hatred, and Delusion.

And yet, the longing to live such a life, albeit beset by greed and the perilous pitfalls and temptations that lie therein, is actually based on the larger, deeper, older callings of my soul. My soul's call to create a vision of good, of wellbeing, peace and ultimately the expression of Love that we all are and, unhindered by the three aforementioned poisons, freely express and offer as our life energy and life work. The wish is to offer or assist healing in people, the earth, our relationships with other people, with plants, the earth and all elements, our own souls and this wildness we continually attempt to destroy within us.

The question, is this the right house/land/place/crucible for our vision to manifest in its full beauty and entirety in a never before thought or seen way that is bigger than anything we can dream up, is, on the one hand, pointless, in that all places can and are available for such an undertaking because it is our own energy and hands and hearts that make the vision jump up and live. On the other, it is absolutely valid, in that we need, for example, community, clients, friends, fellow foodie marauders dedicated to such a strange underworld path with which we can commune, celebrate, co-create, communicate, and collaborate. And we need the space to do it. And, perhaps most of all, the blessing of the spirits and the ancestors of the place in order that we and our ancestors and all the unseen holy can work together to create such a thing of beauty that it feeds the whole universe.

This is not just a small question, or a question of great spiritual weight. It is also a question of money, of pragmatics- can we afford to pay the mortgage? Where do we find more money to put in at the beginning so there is less to pay over the long haul (interest rates being what they are)? How do we build a healing arts practice that actually flourishes and feeds us, not only metaphorically, but literally. How do we build a life and can we do it there? And why there and not somewhere else? If we stop looking now, perhaps we have missed the right house just around the next corner? This is only the third house we have actually looked at, shouldn't we wait and see a few more?

Or is it just a matter of choosing? Of saying, ok, there is this place, offered to us, brought to us by the owners who want to sell it to us. Here is a place that for our practice and the Zusammen Center for Healing Arts is incredibly well situated. A house that is well connected to Frankfurt, in a beautiful area, with potential community and not too far from our friends. Let's just do it and get to work. Let's just decide this will work and go leaping into the future. Flying is possible, but one must leap away from everything one knew, all ideas, visions of how something would or should or could. One must be willing to risk everything to gain everything. One gets out only what one puts in, which could be everything. One can fly, but one must risk the dying and trust in the phoenix' flight out of the ashes. One can only trust in the holy, the divine, and one's own heart. The rest must be offered wholly and totally. Flying is possible when one has the couer-age, the heart, to leap. And before the leap, looking down from these heights, thinking oh, no, I can't jump out into that, it is too high, too vast, too big, too everything I have wished for, too everything is possible, too there are no excuses anymore, too there are no safety nets, one gets a bit dizzy.