A Fire in My Head

The Song of Wandering Aengus    
 W.B. Yeats

I WENT out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,	5
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.
When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,	10
But something rustled on the floor,
And someone called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran	15
And faded through the brightening air.
Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;	20
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done,
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun

Fire

from an email to a friend:

i am noticing with increasing sadness that my own fire is not nourished by the relationships i have here- no "fire friends" as it were- and missing those connections with friends from the states that were so often a specific and necessary nourishment to that part of me. and the landscape here is rather wet, and cold and in winter very dark, all of which does have a dampening effect on my spark. I have also realized that failing other opportunities,  i have been looking for fire-iness with [ ], which does not meet my needs, leaving me resentful and disappointed. i start things, bring spirit and soul and vision, have flare ups of creative fire and inspiration, am as ever passionate and 100percent about everything i am doing, and then unable to sustain it without the fuel i need, i fall back into a rather resigned sort of state where i think, ach, why bother...and then i am seized with such huge fear that my life will not be of use, that i will not realize my vision, that my fire will die. at which point,  i rally my reserves and throw myself into something else, which works short term, until i realize i am alone again and the fires cannot continue to burn without fuel. 

In my case, my fuel cannot only be self sustained or self created. i used to think that was a failure on my part, that if i could not be totally self sufficient in my creativity, passion and fire-iness, then i wasn't mature enough or productive enough or professional enough or too lazy or whatever. and i would bash myself about it, of course, and commit to being more disciplined and more accomplished and able to do more and finish more. and i am coming to see several things, first that my fire needs people, needs community in order to burn. that my fire is in the between spaces of relationship, co-creation and inspiration. cooking, yes, but for someone. learning herbs, yes, but out in the world with the plants rather than from books. my soul needs people, needs relationship, needs to fall in love over and over again every day with one small weed, or a friend, or a stranger, or my dog, or my wife, or whatever it is in that moment that brings me to life. 

and second my fire needs time without structure and if i am trying to be too structured, it will do everything to break out of it. This instinct for wildness and "ferality"- is that a word? feralness? anyway, you know what i mean is so strong. my soul needs to be in contact with the wild and if i cannot get to it in the outside world- because there isn't any or because i am physically unable to get there- which amounts to the same thing- then my fire takes over in her wild way and burns, sometimes destructively, because there is in me such a passionate longing and need in that moment to GET OUT of society, of my own thoughts, of physical and cultural structures, of whatever it is in that moment and i feel if i don't i will die. I wonder truly how i survived 8 years at a zen center!

It helps to have a dog with whom i get to go every day out for 1 or 2 hours to meadows and a bit of forest and a little brook. outside in every weather. and the water is always wild, the weeds, which i impulsively pick for food and medicine, are wild, the clouds and air are wild and the soil is wild. wild has become for me in the details of living here. even in the forests, there is no real wildness because, as i have written before, europe has no wilderness anymore. it is too small, and too lived in, people have used up and cut down and replanted the forests several times. the forest that now surrounds us is only several hundred years old, basically since the roman invasion and building of forts stopped. and it is still being logged and replanted, like a great farm. i miss bear and coyote and wolf. i miss being out on the land and not hearing cars and planes. i miss walking on small meandering paths through forests and not logging roads with restaurants at all points of overlook. the fire of the land has been reduced to a smolder. Freya, the old germanic name for the goddess here, has been completely forgotten in favor of Rome's "civilization" followed by her "christianization" of the peoples here. There were, once 700 years ago, native peoples here on this land. I miss them and i want them here, i want my own indigenousness awake and alive with others.

i feel like moving here has taught me and continues to teach me so much about myself, about how i am and accepting that and stopping on ever subtler levels trying to change myself. stop trying to put out my fire or get me to be more focused or accomplished or whatever and see what i am doing and am accomplishing and am bringing into the world. the bodywork is starting, i have roughly one session per week, and that feels really good and i am getting good feedback. and tai chi is good. and my spiritual practice flows with the land and the brook and the green plants and the ancestors and the wind and the holiness of this life energy coursing through it all. 

More to the theme...

From Lierre Keith's book The Vegetarian Myth

Defend the soil with your life, reader: there is no other organism that can touch the intelligence of what goes on beneath your feet.

So here are the questions you should ask, a new form of grace to say over your food. Does this food build or destroy topsoil? Does it use only ambient sun and rainfall, or does it require fossil soil, fossil fuel, fossil water, and drained wetlands, damaged rivers? Could you walk to where it grows, or does it come to you on a path slick with petroleum?

…We've all built this world of gift and need, birth and return. To repair this planet, we must take our sustenance as part of those relationships instead of destroying them. We can pull the forest down or we can eat the deer that live there…All flesh is grass, wrote someone named Isaiah in a book I don't usually quote. In Hebrew, the word translated as "Flesh" is baser, meaning meat, something one eats.Isaiah understood what is no longer physically visible to us, living at the end of the world: we are all a part of one another, made from grass, become meat.

…To save the world we must first stop destroying it. Cast your eyes down when you pray, not in fear of some god above, but in recognition: our only hope is in the soil, and in the trees, grasses, and wetlands that are its children and its protectors both.

Life must kill and we are all made possible by the dead body of another. It's not killing that's domination: it's agriculture. The foods the vegetarians say will save us are the foods that destroy the world. The vegetarian attempt to remove humans from a paradigmatically pinnacle is commendable. And it's crucial. We will never take our true place, one sibling amongst millions, sharing a common journey from carbon to consciousness, sacred and hungry, then back to carbon, without firmly and forever rejecting human dominion.

Personally, I eat no sugar, no flour (of any kind unless I made it myself), no gluten, no pork, no cow milk (and right now no sheep or goat either), vegetable oils, soy (except occasional miso and tamari), agave, all packaged/produced products, and i am in the middle of doing an elimination diet to see what else is causing my face to be such a reactive mess and my gut to not heal (thereby causing secondary food sensitivities to things which i am not normally allergic, like goat milk). What i do eat- meat, organ meats (i am working my way to the hard core stuff- right now sauteed liver once in a while and heart comes in stews), fish, coconut, olive, and palm oils, ghee, all vegetables and fruits (basically, except for this testing period), gluten free grains, beans and lentils. and chocolate. I soak, sprout, ferment, and so forth vegetables, grains, beans, lentils, nuts and dried fruits. And I am looking into the whole grain thing very seriously to figure out how i can buy grains that are ecologically just and sound- for example from biodynamic farms only that are, even in the grain fields more of a polyculture than most, plowing with draft horses, often.  The good thing in my case, is that my face tells me right away if i have eaten something not healthy for me. it itches, burns, turns red and makes pustules. not pretty, but handy. And I am noticing I have a similar reaction on the soul level when I eat something not handmade, even if the ingredients are all things I can eat, I will still have a reaction.

This thing of becoming more and more sensitive is that it means I am less "fit for human consumption" or at least civilised consumption, as it were. It means going out to a restaurant is really hard, going to people's houses for parties- unless we share the same views, is hard. It means I have even a hard time selling certain products to folks in my shop, because I find them not so healthful. It means I remove myself from the mainstream of shopping, consuming craziness and return to a slower, more handmade, certainly hand cooked and more labor intensive way of life. We are starting a garden this year- finally- to grow as much of our own food as possible. We'll share it with 2 other women, so we won't grow enough for us all to eat and store for the winter, but we hope to grow a large portion of what we eat. I spend a lot of time and money on what I eat and where it comes from and how it is prepared. I invite people over for lunch or dinner, often. And we intend to spend time every day gardening and growing food, to close the circle a little bit and know where the things on our plate come from. I am looking for a dairy to get raw goat or sheep's milk and cheeses and we get lamb form a shepherd not far from here twice a year and pack it in the freezer. We just need to find beef and chicken now until we can have chickens of our own. So, We are trying to do what we can to get out of the petroleum greased food- even though we eat organic, it is not enough. we need to eat regional and grow things ourselves. and we need to eat bioregional- what grows here, really? What thrives without labor intensive techniques, without massive amounts of water that must be hauled to the garden. What can live here in a polyculture of vegetables and provide for us during the growing season. 

And the most important question- where can we build a compost pile?! 

As inspiration and concrete examples of how to live well on a small amount of land, producing food for 2500 families, 10 restaurants and 25 stores (not that you'll want to grow that much, but he has done all that on 10 acres), here is Joel Salatin of Polyface Farms, the guru of the sustainable animal farm movement.

And a delicious recipe that is not difficult, it just needs to be started 2 days before you want to eat it for fermentation time.

Dosa (indian pancakes from fermented lentil and rice batter) from sally fallon's book.Yum.

1 Cup Lentils (Urad Dal, if you can find it)

2 Cups long grain Brown Rice

Warm filtered water

2 Tablespoons Whey or Lemon Juice

1 tsp Salt

about 1/3 Cup Ghee (clarified Butter)

wash lentils and rice separately and place them in separate bowls to soak. Cover each with warm water, add 1 T whey or lemon juice and leave overnight in a warm place. In the morning, drain the lentils and rice and puree them in the food processor with a little water until smooth. Mix lentils with warm water and salt, it should have the consistency of heavy cream. Cover and leave another 24 hours in a warm place. 

To cook, heat a heavy cast iron skillet and brush with ghee. Ladle about 1/4 cup batter into the pan and either tip the pan to spread the batter, or push the ladle in a spiral outwards to spread the batter. It should be relatively thin, like a crepe. Let the one side be completely brown and crispy before you try to turn it- about 5 minutes- or it will only stick to the pan and be very annoying. Flip and cook the other side not as long.

fill with either curried potatoes or vegetables and eat with chutney and yoghurt. yum.

Another reason why I am not a vegetarian

Please, please, please, read this book- this woman is on fire. She is so stunning, so alive, so right on. She makes me weep with such confirmation, the deep sadness of the truth, and such sisterhood. She says exactly what I think only better and with more facts. The Vegetarian Myth by Lierre Keith. And visit her website, full of talks and interviews, while you are waiting for the mail, it is also a great resource. Please, for your own health and for the planet, read this book. It is way uncomfortable and totally challenging, but it is accurate.

And then, if you have been a vegetarian especially, start thinking about or experimenting with eating like this or like this. I know, i am little bit on the bandwagon, the soapbox, all fired up and explosively alive with THE ANSWER. But, don't mind that part, just chock it up to my youthful idealism and let it go. Spend the energy instead on growing food or finding people who do in your area and volunteering time to make some serious changes in your watershed.

"What grows where you live? Ask it and you'll see. To answer you will have to know the place you live. And if your food, your survival, is dependent upon the place that starts at your beating heart and extends as far as your legs can walk in a day, you will have to learn about rivers and forests, soil and rain."Lierre Keith

Brigid's well

February 2, Candlemas, Brigid's day, Imbolc, Lichtmess. The day of the return of spring. In a quiet, unremarkable and often snow bedeckt way, the spring arrives. The sap begins to flow, the crocuses, daffodils and tulips, all begin to poke their green noses out of the earth smelling the change in daylight. Snowbells bloom suddenly when the snow melts, they are revealed in their perfect miniature whiteness, those daughters of snow.

The days are noticeably longer, light begins to return. And although, as I heard last night in my class on the sexual organs, Vitamin D is not available to folks at our latitude between October and April because the UV rays can't reach us due to the curve of the earth, still, the light begins to reach the eyes. Which does a lot for one's mood and general health.

Speaking of which, I just did a three day green smoothie cleanse with nic and a friend and am now embarking on a full on elimination diet to figure out what could still be causing my plethora of digestive and skin issues. At least 28 days long, we'll see by the end what I have learned. I am generally following the very good advice and mapped out plan for the elimination diet by Ali and Tom at Whole Food Nutrition. They have a great blog full of recipes too, not only for the elimination diet but also good gluten free, refined sugar free yumminess. Between that and Weston A Price, I am doing yet another layer of research into nutrition and health.

The ultimate intention, apart from healing my own issues, is to be able to offer guidance and support for others who want to do such a diet, heal their bellies, eat real food, and my newest interest, heal cavities.

Sugar

Hello dears, please, please, please watch this video. It is long- 1.5 hours, but vitally important. It is the anatomical/physiological reason why I do not eat sugar and you should not either. I did not know this when I stopped eating it a year ago, but I did know I was addicted to it and it made me fat and bloated and cranky. If you are not addicted to sugar (which i don't believe, but i'll give you the benefit of the doubt) then splurge once in a while(say, birthday cake), but otherwise don't eat it. Instead of sugar, I eat fresh, cooked, or dried fruit, honey, maple syrup, and rice syrup and I feel very different after eating these things than when I ate sugar. Here is why: Sugar:The Bitter Truth.

Snow

It is finally winter here in Germany after an early visit from Spring over Christmas. It has snowed several days in a row and things are looking decidedly wintry, which I am grateful for. I can hear the earth settling in finally for a rest and the trees and birds finally joining in the silence and deep waiting of winter. Somehow, with it being this cold and snowy, I allow myself the time to cook, to stay indoors, and to be quieter. because of last weeks unseasonally warm temperatures and the welcome visit of 5 days of sun (unbelievable!)we had such a fit of spring cleaning and cabin fever that everything whipped up into action around here- moving furniture, throwing papers away that have been piled up and not looked at for the entire year of 2012, the commitment- again- to consuming less and having less and overcoming both of our inheritances of "eclectic stuff piling up on every flat surface" and the "inability to throw things away for sentimental reasons" and keep the house devoid of said piles and extraneousness.

I have been cooking lots of buckwheat crepes, or Galette, filled with savory things like kale in a goat cheese sauce with green tomato chutney. And I received a Kitchen-Aid from my loving parents for my belated birthday present and plan on baking lots of gluten free, sugar free, cow dairy free cakes. Spanish almond tort, beet and chickpea cake (which I have already baked and is amazing) greek walnut cake, something with poppy seeds, and so forth.

And I thought I would include the recipe for the Dessert I made last night. YUM!
Apple Puree with Almond Butter Vanilla Sauce

For the apple puree:
4-8 (depending on size) apples of several different varieties-  If you can find old varieties from the farmer's market that would be best. Otherwise, Boskop, Macintosh, Braeburn, Fiji, whatever floats your boat.
Juice from one half a lemon
Nutmeg to taste

Peel and core the apples. Chop half of them and put them into a pan with a bit of water covering the bottom. Bring to a boil, cover, and let sit until cool. Grate the other half of the apples and leave them raw. When the cooked apples are cool, add the grated apple, lemon juice and Nutmeg and puree with desired implement.

For the sauce:
1/2 cup almond butter
1 cup water
Honey to taste
Vanilla to taste

Slowly add the water to the almond butter, stirring well to incorporate the water as you go. Add honey and vanilla and heat over low heat just until the sauce thickens but long before it boils.

Portion apple puree in bowls and pour over the warm almond butter sauce.

Tonight after dinner we are going to make hot apple cherry juice with mulling spices and watch a movie, perfect for a snowy evening.






 

Going Feral

Lost

Stand still.The trees ahead and bushes beside you

Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,

And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,

Must ask it permission to know it and be known.

The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,

I have made this place around you.

If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.

No two trees are the same to Raven.

No two branches are the same to Wren.

If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,

You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows

Where you are. You must let it find you.

David Wagoner

Renewing my commitment to spending time at least out of doors into whatever green I can, if not completely out of reach or out of ear shot of trains, cars, and people. Playing with the idea of  Friday Foray, in which I go out, regardless of weather, to be with the Ravens, Wrens, Trees and Bushes and further my knowing and being known. To harvest plants or to just spend time with the green ones and the brook and the sky and the Mouse Buzzard. And then maybe posting about it to keep me honest and to reflect on and report what I have heard and been touched by. And also longing desperately and deeply for mountains and wilderness and hatching plans for when and how as soon as possible to get out into them. Anyway, that is what is important for me at the start of the new year- spending more time outside, committing afresh to study and spiritual practice, and giving energy to my Tai Chi and bodywork practice. Blessings.