The return

A month later, and I finally publish another post. Not that I haven't started once or twice, they just seem not to get finished. I seem to always have too many things to do, which keeps me away from the computer. And I go through increasingly restless bouts of "how do I keep living in this century/world with all of these technological gadgets- like cars and computers, high rise buildings and shopping malls" and want to move out somewhere in the wildernesses and have sheep and be with the planties and make a life from and with the earth and pray and have access to trees and forest and water and not only city. I really do think sometimes that I was born in the wrong century. On the other hand, if I were not born in this century, I would have to do things like wear a corset, be married to a man, have to go to church, or be burned at the stake for being a witch. It is amazing to have the freedom I do, and heartbreaking to see where all of our "freedom" has gotten us. Which is to say, in a mess. I have to think of that bumper sticker that goes something like, " where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?".

In any event, there have been big changes afoot. As usual, filled with vision and inspiration and hopefully making something of beauty to offer the holy. We have to decided to go back to school for the "Naturheilpraktikerpruefung" which means, the naturopathic practitioner license. The system is a bit different here in Germany, but what it boils down to is that for any therapeutic modality that involves touch therapy, diagnosis, treatment using hands on techniques (osteopathy, cranial sacral, massage for specific ailments rather than "feel good", etc.), nutrition, herbal medicine, homeopathy, and so on, a person needs this license in order to practice. Basically anything other than being a doctor or a midwife (they have different licensure). The only things we will not be allowed to do are deliver babies, treat highly infectious diseases, and write prescriptions. From a legal perspective, if we can find an anesthesiologist who would work with us and an operating room to us, we could even perform operations. Anyway, it is a twenty two month process and we begin in April, which means in March 2014 we will take the licensing exam. Anatomy, Physiology, Pathology, injections, blood taking, reading lab reports, physical exams, everything we need to know for medical practice. All therapy specific training is extra, so nic is doing homeopathy courses, I am studying herbal medicine and nutrition (in addition to my bodywork), and we'll see what else unfolds.

I have begun to ask myself, what is actually the underlying idea behind all of this for me. What is healing? What am I trying to accomplish? What do I want to offer? I am clear that I do not want to "be of service" which, noble as it may sound, is so full of rhetoric and dogma that it cannot possibly be separated from the ego of the "seeker" or "spiritual" person. I have heard it too many times before and it sounds so pure and unselfish, but I know from experience and observation, it is never the case. When it is unselfish and pure, there is no thought of being "of service", there is only the work to be done and the offering made to the holy, not from one person to another. Like the Tao, that which can be spoken about is not the true Tao. People, I am afraid, are always beautifully egoic, and that is just how we are made. Freud knew that.

A friend wrote me an email about the "mysterious wobble" at the heart of all of life, that imperfect-ness that is our exact beauty, or gift, that we can bring to the world. We strivers tend to think that is something to be cured, healed, ripped out, avoided, bettered, or gotten rid of. Which is only internal violence, rather than love, which produces only more violence, not more love, I don't care how spiritual one is. I know because I used to hate myself and I would send so much time criticizing and correcting everyone around me. I was full of violence and poison, and though I tried to be loving, tried so hard to be good, I just couldn't do it, because I hated myself. It is true, what they say about loving oneself before loving others. It is not just a platitude, it is actually impossible. We need to love our total humanness, and not try to change something about ourselves because it is not "whatever" enough. Our gifts come from our shadow, maybe even more than our light. And the more we try to push the shadow away, the more it will come back to haunt us. We make the monsters that live in our darkness out of the pearls that are there, rubbing us the wrong way, the dark way, the feminine way, calling for our attention to see the lustre, the shine, the beauty of the gift hidden there. The beauty of the gift hidden within us, that when we ignore, becomes the source of discomfort, pain, aggression, depression, maybe even illness and disease within.

So, the question, what is healing? Is not about getting rid of something. Not getting rid of whatever it is that is bothering us so that we can feel better, be better. Every illness is a messenger, a symptom of something long out of ear shot, out of time, something long since forgotten, or suppressed or missed, calling us to remember, to re-member. Healing is a process of inclusiveness, or wholeness, of holiness. Each person must discover their own way. I hope to be a person who can be a friend along the path, helping to offer support, encouragement, ease, a mirror, friendship in the darkness, a space to hear the call from within. I do not want to be, nor do I think it is possible to be, a healer for someone else. I may at some point have more information about certain plants, or the body, or techniques that can help, but the person must bring all of these things together in their own psyche and soul and make a healing potion of them. The alchemical process of lead into gold, of seeing that within us as a treasure, of treasuring ourselves. Of bringing forth our unique never before seen beauty as a gift to the holy, to what nourishes us in our lives, so that we may continue living. Call that whatever you will, it is the source of all of us. This great mystery that we still cannot understand that is this life. This source that we can come close to, come to know, in our hearts.

This same source, this same process, is exactly what brings the return of Spring each year. The seeds, the potential, sleeping, waiting in the darkness, is finally freed by the right conditions, to sprout. Coaxed out into the light of life, birth into this world. Spring has returned here, just barely, but the snowdrops and crocuses are blooming, the roses are beginning to leaf, the smells are different in the air, the birds are singing and the first broods are hatched. life has returned. Light has returned, we have more than 8 hours of light per day and it grows ever more. What a gift that the Spring returns and bestows her blessings of growth and warmth each year.The trees are filled with buds and the energy of the season moves in all of us as the sap rises.